Guts

      I have not posted for the last two months because life..... sucked.
       I feel bad about complaining. Compared to how I felt after my surgery, I am SOOOO much better! But I haven't felt well. I haven't been well since before I got sick last March, and that's a long time to feel crummy. There's no polite way to say it; I've had diarrhea. No one wants to hear about the Hershey Squirts and I really don't like to talk about it. No one wants to hear about how you constantly feel like you need to find a toilet, even if you're still sitting on the pot from the last bout! So, I did what I thought I was supposed to do and ate more fiber - fiber will thicken you up if you have the runs, just as it will provide moisture if you are constipated. It's an all-purpose cure for digestive distress. I eat at least 25 grams of fiber every day, in the form of either Cheerios or oatmeal at least once a day, every day. The fiber helped with the worst of the symptoms but it didn't do anything for the constant urge to go. I tried my best to stretch out the time between trips to the potty, but all I could ever think about was how badly I needed to go, all of the time. It has been very distracting.
     I had a colonoscopy in January (oh, no! the dreaded poop-shute periscope!). My surgeon, Dr. Holly, drove the device. I had this exam to check up on the state of healing of her lovely internal embroidery without having to rip out all of the outer seams - so messy. All things considered, I rather have the poop-shute periscope than to be gutted, again. Things looked good but she took a biopsy, just in case (I have some inflammation at the surgical site, which was not unexpected). I told her about my need to "go" up to fifteen times a day. She recommended a visit to the gastroenterologist.
      It only took five months to get an appointment with the gut doctor. I finally saw him in May. He was nice enough. He sent me for more tests - blood tests and a barium upper GI series. I had a barium lower GI series done when I had the colostomy (which was dreadful - they filled up my colon with liquid barium through a nozzle placed in the hole in my side. When it was done and they took the plug out, I spurted barium goo three feet in the air, like a very nasty fountain!). For this test, I had to drink the barium - first really thick stuff, then a lot of thinner stuff. All of it was nasty. Then, I had to hang around long enough for the crud to percolate through my small intestines. It took a couple of hours. I walked around, to have gravity help the process. Finally, I was done and could go home. I was warned to drink lots, so the barium would be flushed and not turn to shellac on the inside of my guts. I drank a whole liter of water before I even left the hospital! I was thirsty; they had given me nothing but barium all morning. I drank constantly all night and had the constipating effect of the barium was a pleasant change from the runs!
      The barium studies were normal - my doctor says that almost everyone has a hiatal hernia and I'm normal in that respect. It doesn't bother me, so no big deal. I'm relieved that they didn't find anything extra, or any holes. my best friend from college has stage four colon cancer, so I count my blessings.
      I'm left with the last tests, which have still not come back. The gastroenterologist drew blood because he thinks I'm allergic to wheat. Apparently, the diarrhea and constant urge to go is symptomatic of this allergy. The assumption is, no matter what the tests say, I'm probably allergic. I have so many other allergies. I'm SOOOOO pissed! I like bread! I like to bake! Can't I be allergic to Brussels sprouts, instead?
      For the last two weeks, I've gone on a gluten-free diet. I've had one error (didn't check a label before eating) and only one bout of the trots (need I say when this happened?). I don't have the constant urge since going wheat-free. But maybe it's just a cruel coincidence. Whine! Whimper! Snivel! And more whining!
      Cheerios have wheat in them - I read the label. Rice and Corn Chex do not. I guess I'm going to change my breakfast cereal.
      Jack says he gets the runs from wheat, too, so he has also gone gluten-free. Can you catch allergies from your kids?
      Life is cruel. I guess I'm going to have to learn how to bake without wheat. Or barley. Or rye. This sucks. But it's better than a constant Code Brown looming over my life.