Fear

      How do I explain my feelings after my house was raided and my son accused of being a terrorist? Let me review some of my current health issues.

      Earlier this week, a large chunk of molar fell off while I was eating some hamburger. I was chewing on the opposite side and the meat was very tender (I like beef that is almost raw, merely warmed to body temperature). Ground meet is almost pre-chewed. Nevertheless, about a quarter of my first molar fell off as I ate my dinner.
      Three years ago, I had my teeth cleaned and checked a few weeks before the raid. All of my teeth were in good shape, needing no work. I had a full set of x-rays, just to be certain. A month after the raid, about when Jack was indicted, I woke up with a terrible toothache. I went to the dentist, who took x-rays of the tooth. He announced that my molar was cracked. In the aftermath of the raid, I had been clenching my teeth  so hard I broke a molar, one of the largest and most rugged teeth in my head; a tooth designed for grinding. He refilled the tooth but informed me that the filling might not hold and that the tooth would eventually need to be capped.
      The tooth started to hurt periodically a year ago but I had other health concerns. I ignored it. I was careful to not chew on that side of my mouth. A few weeks ago, the tooth felt wrong. It "zinged" if I touched it off-sides. I still did nothing. Then, the piece broke off. It hurts. I feel paralyzed; I can't afford to get it capped and I'm not sure what else can be done, at this point.and it upsets me to think about doing anything about it. I keep reliving the worst parts of the time after the raid.
      Since my surgeries, I noticed that I had been reflexively clenching all of my abdominal muscles, all of the time. I've been clenching so hard, I can feel all of my intestines drop down in my body when I finally relax the muscles. It's a bizarre sensation. It's not just sucking in the gut; I'm actually using internal muscles to force everything UP. It made my convalescence from the surgery harder because I couldn't help trying to clench, even when it hurt terribly.
      All of my doctors have told me that what happened to me last year - having my colon rupture - is not normal or expected for someone my age. In fact, there was no reason for it to happen and it should not have happened to me. But it did. There is a relationship between ruptured diverticuli and being constantly constipated. The problem is, I've never been constipated (I WISH that was my problem!). It is the straining to go while constipated that causes diverticuli to "blow out". I don't strain that way, but I wonder if my constant clenching from stress has the same effect and if it has been this clenching that caused my diverticuli. In any case, I started clenching after the raid. I noticed it while I was teaching because I actually sit higher in chairs when I'm clenching - all of my butt muscles also clench! If this is the case, then I have D.A. Scheibel to thank for both my tooth and my near-death experience from peritonitis. Gee, thanks!
      I cannot describe the fear I experienced from this whole ordeal. It was literally gut-wrenching and the stress almost killed me. I relive it whenever I think about it.
      My tooth broke. It hurts.
      Relax.