Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast

                Uncle Charlie died and was buried last week. He was my mother’s little brother; my grandparents had eight kids, four boys and four girls. Frederick died in infancy and, one by one, the rest joined him. Now, only my mom is left. Uncle Charlie’s passing was sad but one thing at the funeral drove me crazy. I must digress - I’ve always had perfect pitch and abnormally sensitive hearing. I easily recognize that old florescent light bulbs and electric motors usually hummed an “A” note. Until they changed the system, I could hear the motion sensor in the cash room at Stop and Shop (the noise made me feel as if my eyeballs were about to fall out of their sockets). I even remember hearing some ultrasonic dog whistles as a kid! It’s just a part of me – take it or leave it. As a kid, I thought that I would become a musician but I eventually realized that I was totally intolerant of musical errors. I’ve never been able to stand off-key, “close enough” singing or playing, not even my own! It feels like someone is drilling multiple root canals into my teeth without the benefit of Novacaine. When other people sing off-key, I want to clap my hands to my ears and howl like an injured dog. Or just tell them to STOP! Most people don’t even notice the notes that drive me wild. I’ve even heard other people complement the very musicians that made me suffer. I used to think that most people were tone-deaf, but now I realize that I am just too sensitive to sound. Fortunately, I’ve lost the ultrasonic hearing with age.

The church choir for Charlie’s funeral was off-key – really off-key. To make matters worse, so were the two soloists. The woman couldn’t find her proper pitch with both hands as she screeched through two hymns. The man did somewhat better but he was an eighth-tone off for some key phrases. I winced and gritted my teeth to keep from correcting them. 

I think I might look around to find some good musicians for when it’s my turn. If anyone sings off-key for my funeral, I swear I’ll rise up out of the coffin and scare the daylights out of them!