I’ve been postponing writing about John’s new book, “Be Different” because my life has been quite busy since he gave me an advance copy, about six weeks ago. But, the book is out now and I just realized that I never really talked about it.
This book gives good advice for young men on the spectrum who feel alienated and want coping mechanisms. John is always a great storyteller and he does his best to impart experiences that were obtained with a certain amount of difficulty but young women are very different from young men. All adolescent men, even nypicals, think about sex a lot more often than women do, although the specific amount of difference is contested. So a book that talks a lot about how to find a girlfriend is of pressing interest to adolescent men but the flip side, how to find a mate, is of less interest to a girl on the spectrum.
Girls are more interested in learning how to fit in - I informally surveyed my former high school students. High school girls are mostly interested in how they fit into the brutal company of other high school girls. While relations with boys are a part of that, girls want to be accepted and respected by all of their peers. Boys just want girlfriends. For a boy, a girlfriend can make up for a lack of male friends but the reverse isn’t true for girls. Girls are vicious to girls who don’t act properly in ways that boys just can’t imagine. In short, the book didn’t really speak to me as a woman on the spectrum. It’s a good book; since the stats seem to be one in 70 boys but only one in 260 girls are on the spectrum, perhaps a book that is targeted to boys will have a great appeal but girls need a how-to manual, also, and this isn’t really it. Hmmmm.
My main advice to a girl on the spectrum is to learn how to smile. Use a mirror and find a good smile, then ask a trusted person to critique it. You don’t want a giant shit-eating grin, you want to emulate the Mona Lisa. A smile is more than just mouth, it extends all the way up to your eyes and even your posture. Practice smiling until your muscles hurt. Then smile some more. Make a point to smile at everyone, every day. I started doing this when I was about 16. Prior to then, I never smiled and was pretty depressed all of the time; suicide was a daily thought that I kept to myself for fear that talking might encourage me to do it. I found that smiling made me feel better, less depressed. The better I felt, the easier it was to smile; it was a positive feedback loop. I haven’t thought about suicide at all since I started smiling regularly.
By the time I started college, people started to describe me as the girl who always smiled and wanted to know - what made me so happy all of the time, could they have some, too? I was surprised by the description but acknowledged that I really WAS happy without chemical assistance despite some really horrible things that happened. Finally, when you smile, people smile back. You don’t need to see it but they also feel better when they see you and will subconsciously associate you with those good feelings and will tend to like you without you even saying anything. So that’s my advice - learn how to smile realistically, use it as your default facial expression, and life should improve.
An Aspie girl at John’s talk at Smith College mentioned to me how, in the past, a teacher had punished her for “losing it” and crying in class, habitually sending her into the hall. A hint for any kid on the spectrum is to keep a printed reminder card saying that you are on the spectrum to give to teachers when you can’t speak. Handing it out also needs practice, but remember that teachers are human; they forget really important things about other people. Every classroom should have a designated safe site in the room for any kid’s emotional moments; when I taught, I always had an extra desk pointed away towards the wall for anyone who needed to take five minutes for a private moment. Of course, I had to chase out a couple of nypical kids who wanted to monopolize it all class, every day, but it was useful for those occasional moments that everyone suffers, even nypicals. And since the space was still in the room, it allowed kids to continue to listen to the lesson or discussion while getting their emotions under control.
The most important hint I have is, you aren’t alone, no matter how alienated and bewildered you feel at the moment. You have to figure out ways to enlist nypicals to help you accomplish what you want. Think of Tom Sawyer, getting everyone else to whitewash the fence. He didn’t get help by asking for it directly; he was tricky. If you want people to like you, smile at them. If you need a teacher to help, get another teacher’s advice. Don’t try to do it by yourself. Humans are social animals. But ne wary of the advice you get from peers; they may be out to sabotage you.
If you’re a boy who wants a girlfriend, read John’s book, but he made one major mistake with me when we were in high school. When I declined to go out with him the first time he asked (I needed to think about it before deciding), less than 15 minutes later, he asked a “friend” of mine to be his girlfriend. After accepting, she promptly told me (with a bit of malicious glee; this is an example of how nypical girls can be vicious). I was positive that I had made the right decision; it made me feel like I wasn’t a unique individual, that all he wanted was someone with a vagina. Nothing makes a girl feel less like a girlfriend than to be treated by a boy like she’s fungible. It took years before I forgave John and this paragraph will undoubtedly come as a surprise to him; I doubt he even remembers that dance. Boys - wait a few days before you ask the next girl out. It’s only polite. But girls, be careful about your friends. This particular girl repeatedly made passes at boys who seemed to be interested in me. I finally set a trap with a gay friend, pretending that we were inseparable when she came to visit my college. She tried to kiss him and even grabbed his genitals while I was down the hall! I dropped her from my list of friends and haven’t missed her as bit in the thirty years since.
In conclusion, John’s book is very good for boys, less so for girls. This make sense; he’s a guy and even nypical guys can be clueless (to say nothing about spectrum guys).
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