From the edge of oblivion

I’m oblivious. That’s the only conclusion I can reach. See if you agree.

Yesterday, I went shopping at Costco with Amelia. I needed to refill my prescriptions and pick up salad makings, as I’m determined to eat healthy for the next six weeks. In the parking lot, we were bemused by some woman in another car, who was quite annoyed that I had pulled over to wait for an older woman to exit from her good parking spot.  Yes, it was lazy of me, but I was tired. The woman pulled up close behind me and, from her expressions in the mirror, seemed angry that I wasn’t moving. Amelia finally rolled her window down and waved for the woman to go around and she did, parking at the end of the row. As she walked past my car, now gliding into the good  spot, she glared at us, or so Amelia said. I only noticed her looking at us as I pulled in. Amelia got a bit upset by her; I calmed her down.

            We went into Costco, i requested my refills and, while we waited for them, strolled around the store. We talked, sometimes seriously, sometimes not. I bought my salad ingredients. We snacked on samples, always a major attraction at Costco.

            After I checked out, I got a hotdog for dinner and Amelia had an ice cream. We talked about learning styles; she said that her principal was certain that all students would eventually understand material that was bring presented to them. She thought this was unrealistic and I agreed, saying that this opinion was relatively new for me and was a result of my realization, formed over the last year, that I do not see most social interactions and never will, no matter how hard I try. She laughed and agreed with me, saying that the woman from the parking lot had glared at me throughout the store. Amelia said that she had wanted to tell the woman to grow up, but my ignoring her set the example that some things should be left alone.

            I was astounded. I never noticed the woman, not even once. I might have if I had been alone but since I was talking to Amelia, I was concentrating on what she said. I’m good with one person at a time. All of the other people at Costco were just fuzzy cartoons in the periphery of my vision. I did notice someone who looked vaguely familiar when we checked out and greeted her; I couldn’t place her until she commented that she sometimes went shopping, too, and from the context of her comment, I was a able to place her as an employee in the pharmacy department, but she hadn’t been working that day.

            Amelia and I talked further about why I am friendly to almost everyone. There is an element of cold-blooded calculation on my part. I’m never sure if they are someone that I’ve dealt with before or may deal with again in the future. If they are nice people, they will remember me as friendly and will be more inclined to help me. If they are unpleasant, it may embarrass them into being nice, or it may make them paranoid about why I’m nice in the face of their nastiness. In either case, it usually makes them behave better. Being polite and friendly costs nothing, lowers your blood pressure, and usually has a better outcome than being an SOB as your default attitude.

The advantage of being oblivious is that I can be friendly even to someone who was recently nasty to me because there is a good chance I didn't notice the nastiness, or that I don't remember who was nasty person. Therefore, I’m usually friendly; being friendly makes me feel better. If someone is repeatedly nasty to me, they will finally pierce my fog. I am capable of cutting them dead with a word and sometimes do, depending on how annoyed I am. Obsessing at any great length about the motivations of jerks isn’t worth the cost to my health, so I try to just let it go and am usually successful. For this, I’m grateful that I never see most jerky behavior. Furthermore, if  isaw it all of the time, I might not be able to let things go so easily. How do neurotypicals stand the emotional avalanche? It’s better to be oblivious.